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promise to remember in the last moment

from edwardian shells and beach picnics by Simon Aulman

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about

A fascinating thing is happening to me these past few days and I don't feel guilty about shouting it - here's my life-story because it needs to start there: I came to computing later than most, less than 20 years ago, I'd loved LPs and mags and zines and CDs and tapes and blah blah but even I could see that they were all going to vanish and when I worked out how the laptop worked I did what everyone else was doing back then, downloaded every album ever made. lived on illegal music sites like Magiska and Musical Coma and Azurehum and you could google any album and there'd be a Mediafire file to download and I loved keeping the screen alight all night as the dribble of bits came down the lines c/o Pirate Bay etc etc - god weren't they great days, we never knew, they're probably still happening now but I moved on - Bandcamp came and if you're lucky, and you wouldn't be here if you weren't, then you know that all the best music has no fans and any random mooch on Bandcamp shows you that in any one day a hundred beautiful albums are released which no one ever hears and a hundred crap albums are released which have loads of fans, and a thousand albums somewhere in between, every bloody day - people are herd-y but if you are one of the seven people on the planet who venture outside everyone else's comfort-zone there is a million lives of living to be had in music, all free.

Thanks to having loads of accounts and loads of email addresses and being inconsistent I follow about ten thousand BC musicians and a big bit of my very-early every-morning is spent glancing at pages and pages of new emails telling me of new releases, it's all random, I stab in the dark, download about fifty albums a day, totally ludicrous, other people get fat because of the unnatural overabundance of food all around us, others get their hard drives filled up in months because of the overabundance of dance etc.

I know my body and yours and how they work, and I know that reason can't change us. If reason worked, then I would've never smoked, I wouldn't have nigh-killed myself c/o decades of drinking, I wouldn't bought more books in any year than I could read in any lifetime blah blah blah - but reason doesn't work and I only stopped smoking when my body told "me" that it was ending its agreement with me and I didn't need to keep on going, and something similar was bound to happen with music - for years I've not been able to stop downloading way more music in a day than I could possibly hear even just once-each in a whole week of wakefulness.

I guess there was some primitive part of my brain that feared that Putin would kill the internet and all near-electricity and there's suddenly be any more new music and all I'd be left with for the rest of my life was what's stored in a few dozen small black boxes - only about half a million albums - and surely I'd quickly get bored of listening to half a million albums over and over again throughout the remaining few me-years remaining to me. My primitive brain was so much more powerful than my modern reasonable logical brain.

But genuinely in the past couple of days I seem to have hit a natural ending of another illness/obsession - suddenly I no longer have that early-morning need to glance at all the hundreds of new emails and download scores of new albums. I do still glance at the emails, because in among the millions of BC notifications there are the one or two real emails. But even they don't feel very real. Nothing does. Nothing feels like it needs to be added to. For years I've kept a lid on the acquisition of physical stuff, and now I seem to have reached the end of the download for my musical downloadings.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if it's true. I really do think it is. But it's still such a new new habit that I don't know if it'll stick. It'll be about an extra hour every day - an hour when I'm not visiting millions of BC pages and sampling a few seconds of stuff and making those instant decisions which no matter how instant they feel do still take up a lot of time.

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credits

from edwardian shells and beach picnics, released December 8, 2023

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