twats acting like black friday is actually a thing

by Simon Aulman

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Might be imagination - but a few months ago there was a backlash against all the too-much-choice. When they asked you what type of coffee you wanted it was okay to go "oh jesus christ just give us a fucking cup of coffee you slave with a PhD in plugging-in-a-kettle - who gives a fuck if it's Nescafe or the posh cat-shit stuff that Jack Nicholson drinks in The Bucket List ?

So two days ago I'm in Boulangerie de Victor Hugo in Southampton and they ask me what kind of tea I want. Oh just builders tea. And five minutes later I'm sitting with a big mug of something that could be anything and I'm looking around and noticing that everyone else has dinky little teapots and dinky little cups and saucers.

I like my tea weak and I'm going blind and it's the devil's own fucking job trying to untangle the string that's wound round the mug handle so in the end I grab the teabag in a fist and squeeze it as I pull the string and try to break it but it's that kind of string that is designed not to be snapped. I pull too hard and the cup slips out of my hand and the whole teabag-mug bolus spins across the room and skittles over the next table sending shit scattering and with that I resolved to stop kicking against the pricks.

Just gotta face it and laff - Bill Hicks was right - chicks dig jerks, it's the stupidest who do most of the breeding, the stupidest who make the most noise, the stupidest who rise to the top and steer us all in their stupid direction.Once in a while one of us reaches breaking point and squeezes a teabag or a trigger and tries to kill a few hippies. But it just makes them more determined to link arms and chant Kumbaya until we go away. And one by one we are going away - me into the quiet night.



released November 28, 2015



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Simon Aulman Southampton, UK

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